Agatha Armitage: Chelsea (‘Boot Expert Extraordinaire’)

Featuring an All-Shoe Musical Number.

Dear Friend,

The situation is, I must admit, growing slightly dire. I am down to my last seven teabags (sixty cups a day really does drain your supply quickly), and I’m starting to panic. I asked the Cobblers (very politely, and with an adjoining cake-offering) whether we could divert courses for a tea farm, but I was told that they could not indulge such fancies because they had much more important things to do.

“We are professionals, Miss Owlledge,” Penny told me seriously as she painted ladybirds onto the sole of a maryjane. “We won’t be stopped for anything but yellow loafers.”

(The cobblers, despite their vast collection of shoes, do not have any yellow loafers in their collection, and it is rather a sore spot).

Indeed, I have realised that she is not exaggerating at all.

Yesterday, Chelsea (‘Boot Expert Extraordinaire’) fell off the side of the ship after a rollerskating mishap, and the company absolutely refused to lower the sails to collect her.

“There is no time!” Penny declared. “The elves are waiting!”

A life-jacket was instead flung haphazardly from the back of the ship, and (following Cobbler protocol), Chelsea strapped the rollerskates in so they would not be further damaged. She herself was left floundering.

This to me seemed slightly unfair. I am still learning about Cobbling, of course, but I couldn’t exactly leave Chelsea there by herself now, could I? I really had no choice but to intervene when I realised the plan was to leave her floating in the middle of the Atlantic.

I hope, therefore, that you will not judge me too harshly when I tell you I directly disobeyed Penny’s orders.

As you know, I have an A Level in piracy, which means I am quite skilled at lowering sails (this is a core part of the practical component, a three-hour examination which, according to Guinness World Records, is the second most expensive one to run in the country. This is because it involves building an entirely new ship for each student). However, lowering sails can take quite some time, and I was worried they might notice - especially because these particular sails have an automated voice recorder attached to their ropes which shout ‘THE SAILS ARE BEING LOWERED’ every time they are touched. Thus, I had to distract them.

Despite only having been part of their company for a short while, I had gathered one thing — that the Cobblers liked shoes (people are always commending me for how observant I am). They are proud of their shoes in the way doting parents are proud of their children — and if I know one thing it is that doting parents are never prouder than when their little ones are putting on a performance of some kind.

Thus was born ‘Jack and the Bootstalk’ - a new, artsy musical which has since been taken to Broadway. I spread the word to the crew and the reaction was instantaneous.

“My Maryjane will be on the stage!”

“Oh, I have never been so proud of a snow boot!”

As the Cobblers congratulated their shoes on the anticipatory performance, I lowered the sails. By the times this was done, however, it had been hours since we first lost Chelsea and it was almost dark. I could not see her (or her rollerskates) on the ocean’s vast horizon.

In one afternoon, I had failed to save a Cobbler AND signed myself up to direct an all-shoes musical number.

The thought makes me too despondent to continue, dear friend. I shall write again when my disposition improves (a strawberry cheesecake would make me feel much better, if you can possibly squeeze one into your next envelope?).

Your friend,

Agatha