Agatha Armitage: Kidnapped by Cobblers

Featuring cat maryjanes & Cobblers.

Dear Friend,

I received your carrier pigeons (all seventeen of them) this morning, and must apologise for leaving you at such a crucial part of the story. I can assure you that I am quite safe and that nothing bad has (yet) happened to me.

As I was saying, these particular pirates though were not like any I have seen before.

For one, I did not spot a parrot on a single shoulder (though several of the crew had crows, and one had a mongoose). There were also no eyepatches, no red military jackets, and no feather hats (this last one was particularly disappointing).

Instead, the crew wore long skirts, wore shoelaces round their wrists, and their boots had seven-inch platforms.

“They don’t look like pirates,” I observed.

“Weren’t you listening, Flatterer! They’re not pirates! They’re cobblers,” said Gerry, still smashing handfuls of mushy peas into his face. “Don’t you remember the saying: ‘a spoonful of peas keeps the cobbler away’”.

Cobblers, contrary to what the word would suggest, are not professional corn-on-the-cob eaters (an entire kettle of fish entirely). No, Cobblers are expert shoe-makers, and these - I later learnt - are the most revered of all of the Cobblers on the high seas.

“Aren’t they just terrifying!” shouted Gerry over his peas, as one of the Cobblers bent down to examine a mafia member’s boot.

“Why are you here?” the Treasurer asked, shivering under his fashionable faux-fur coat (which he wore even though the fryer meant the boat-van was very hot indeed).

“We’re here because someone did not eat their peas,” the Cobbler explained simply. “We have been waiting for this day for years. It is a momentous one indeed. Don’t you see how my shoelaces quiver with excitement?”

Being a new and amateur member of the Fish and Chips Mafia, I cannot say I quite understood why peas were such a deterrent… after all, peas are absolutely delicious, especially when they are served on a wooden spork with a side of ketchup.

It was with an only slightly patronising tone that Gerry explained Cobblers did not like peas because of a Neolithic feud between the penny loafer and the pea pod.

“It was a brazen affair which involved a stolen penny and several hundred pea-casualties. It’s a mark of respect that Cobblers do not enter when peas have recently been consumed.”

“I don’t think penny loafers existed in the Neolithic period?”.

“What a pedantic woman,” the Cobbler muttered.

It is true. People are always telling me I am pedantic.

“Who are you, anyway? I have never seen those shoes before.”

He pointed at my cat-faced maryjanes.

“Agatha Armitage, ma’am,” I said proudly. “Official Flatterer to the Fish and Chips Mafia.”

“Official Flatterer? Oh, we’ve been looking for one of those.”

The Fish and Chip Mafia stood nervously behind me. You must remember that they really were quite frightened, and so I hope you will not think too harshly on such a beautiful mafia when I tell you that they offered me as a sacrifice in exchange for the Cobblers’ departure.

That is how I find myself on this ship, which is far larger than the boat-van, with cabins and crates filled with more shoes than you can even imagine.

I shall tell you more soon, but for now I remain

Your friend,

Agatha