Agatha Armitage: I should probably tell you where I live

Featuring jellyfish, giraffes and pineapple upside down cake.

Dear Friend,

It has just occurred to me that you probably have no idea where I live…

Well, I assume this to be the case because none of your letters seem to be reaching me, and I can only assume that this is because you cannot find my address. Address Books are notoriously good at hiding, you know. I once played a game of Hide and Seek with my address book which lasted almost three years. In the end, I found it in a bag or flour - perhaps check your pantry if you are stumped?

Though maybe it will be easier if I simply tell you my address. It is polite to write it on the back of an envelope, you know, but I unfortunately keep on forgetting (I do not have the best memory, you see).

I live at Jellyfish Cottage, which is in the English countryside (the part of England with all of the tractors). My cottage has a thatched roof, green windows, and a greenhouse filled with pineapples.

People often ask if I would consider growing anything other than pineapples - and to that I say ABSOLUTELY NOT. You see, I couldn’t possibly sacrifice any pineapple-space for other plants.

For one, pineapples get quite moody (especially in the mornings), so I don’t suspect any other fruits would want to share a house with them.

More importantly though, pineapple is a necessary component for my famous pineapple upside down cake, which I make every Thursday without fail… Well, apart from last Thursday, and the Thursday before that, and the last three Thursday before that… but every Thursday that I’m NOT kidnapped by cobblers, I bake a pineapple upside down cake.

I make a mean pineapple upside down cake too (which is to say that the moody pineapples get quite grumpy when I turn them upside down). The trick to a good cake is to stand on your head while you mix the batter. In doing so, you can sometimes convince the pineapple that upside down is the right way up, and the right way up is upside down. Only the clever ones figure it out…

Oh dear… I seem to be getting distracted. I definitely didn’t pick up my pen to write to you about pineapple upside down cake — maybe on a Thursday I would, but today is Monday, and Mondays are not a pineapple day.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Jellyfish Cottage.

Despite the name, there aren’t any jellyfish. It is called Jellyfish Cottage purely because the previous owner liked jellyfish, and wanted to commemorate this glorious animal. Unfortunately though, he did not know what a jellyfish actually was. He thought jellyfish were giraffes and giraffes were jellyfish — and that’s why there’s a giraffe door knocker.

I am allergic to Jellyfish so I maybe should change it… but I am a stickler for tradition, and also don’t want to confuse the postman.

Now you know where I live, I trust you will send me a letter in reply, which I very-much look forward to receiving.

I shall be waiting by the door with anticipation (and also with a cup of tea because you can’t expect me to sit and wait by the door without some tea).

If I don’t hear from you, I shall assume you fell into a ginormous yorkshire pudding and call the authorities (I had a dream that this happened last night, and don’t know whether I’m psychic, so I’ve decided it is safer to assume that I am).

Your friend,

Agatha